For the Record
by magnetosdaughter
Summary: a young Kathryn in mourning for her father finds an unlikely pair of friends at the funeral


Title: For the Record   
Author: Vulcandoll   
Pairing: J&P   
Rating: PG for sad factor   
Disclaimer: i don't own anything...somewhat inspired by that awesome depression   
chapter in Jeri Taylor's Mosaic   
Author's Note: this story came to me when my grandfather died last Christmas   
(2000)  
  
Numb.   
Numb to pain, numb to people, numb to the world. Kathryn felt nothing. Her   
internal sensors were switched off and her shields were at maximum. Nothing and   
no one could touch her. She stood stalwartly between her gracious mother and her   
tearful sister and felt nothing. Hundreds of people swarmed by the women, each   
stopping to pay their respects. People Kathryn had never met, had never seen,   
had never known existed. Names she'd never heard or couldn't bring herself to   
remember. They walked by, touching her, crying with her, speaking softly about   
what he meant to them, how sorry they were, how they knew how she must feel. She   
felt nothing. She nodded, pretended to listen, allowed them to embrace her, felt   
their tears on her face, her own dry eyes. Sometimes she smiled, but she   
couldn't cry. She let her mother and her sister speak. She played the part of   
grieving daughter as best she could but her heart wasn't in it. She was tired.   
The endless line of well-wishers notwithstanding, Kathryn felt more alone than   
she ever remembered feeling.   
  
"l'm so very sorry for your loss." Kathryn recognized the voice. She looked over   
to see the Admiral embrace her mother. For a brief moment the sight made her   
feel something but as quickly the moment passed and the numbness returned.   
Admiral Paris turned to her.   
  
"Kathryn." He put his hands on her shoulders and she expected to be pulled into   
an embrace, but instead he looked at her intently, taking in her rigid stance,   
her paleness, her frailty and her attempt to mask it, her dry eyes and haunted   
expression; taking in all of her. He turned back to her mother, still holding on   
to her."Gretchen, I'm taking Kathryn to sit down and get something in to her.   
I'll return her to you when she looks a little more like herself." Kathryn   
vaguely saw her mother nod before she was steered from the line and over to a   
relatively quiet corner. "Sit here, I' m going to get you something warm to   
drink."  
  
Kathryn sat and wondered. Admiral Paris wasn' quite the ogre his reputation   
warned of, but he wasn't a teddy bear either and this special treatment was   
downright odd. The Admiral knew better than most the dangers inherent to Fleet   
life. But putter away at healing her he went, returning with a cup of tea to   
thrust into her hands. "Finish this, Kathryn and I' ll get you something to eat.   
I'm going to tell your mother where I've put you. Now drink your tea, I want to   
see some color in those cheeks!" And away he went again.   
The tea cup was hot in her hands. Kathryn watched the steam rising from the   
liquid detachedly. It was funny to feel the heat of the tea. She'd felt cold so   
long it was as if her body had forgotten heat. The tea was a vaguely orange hue   
and it stood out against the stark black and white world Kathryn had fallen   
into. She took a tentative sip.   
  
"Hi." Kathryn looked up from her tea to find a young man standing before her. He   
looked young despite his height, fifteen or sixteen she guessed. His blond hair   
was flopping ever so slightly into his beautiful blue eyes. She found herself   
staring into his eyes, as blue as the tea was orange, big beautiful blue eyes   
that held something like compassion behind their twinkle. She pulled her eyes   
away and set her teacup down on her knee.   
  
"Hello." She spoke softly and her voice sounded ragged, she hadn't used it much   
in the days since the debriefing. Her mother and sister were content to let her   
be for now and didn't ask questions. Even the Admiral had done all the talking   
for her, letting her sit and sip on his tea.   
  
"You're Kathryn right? Admiral Janeway's daughter? I'm sorry about your dad and   
everything." He smiled at her, an arresting smile. "It's hard, huh?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"All this. I remember when my grandfather died, it was just like this. Hundreds   
of people you don't know all telling you they know exactly how you feel. It's   
what happens when you're somebody in Starfleet. For the record, I don't know   
what I'd do if I lost my dad." He smiled again. "Hey, you finished your tea. Can   
I get you some more?" She shook her head, clutching the empty cup. "Okay. I   
don't want to scare you, so I'll go, but if you need anything, I'll be right   
over there." He pointed toward a window. "Okay?" Kathryn nodded, not quite   
trusting her voice again. "Okay." He moved away, walking with a little more   
assurance than a sixteen year old would normally have. Kathryn watched but   
looked away before he saw her. She stared into the empty cup in her hands,   
wondering at the kindness of rules driven Admirals turned soft and strange young   
men.   
  
The Admiral returned and interrupted her reverie. "Looking better already.   
Here's a sandwich for you. Eat it up, have another cup of tea and you can rejoin   
your mother." He traded her a cocktail sandwich for her empty teacup and was off   
again. The scientist inside the girl wondered if perhaps she'd been lost in a   
mirror universe or the Admiral was being mind-controlled. The girl inside the   
scientist smiled at the sandwich she couldn't quite bring herself to eat and   
moved to the window.   
  
"Hi." She said to her new friend. He smiled down at her."Would you like a   
sandwich?"   
  
"I believe I saw the Admiral give that to you with orders to eat it."  
  
"I can't. I thought it shouldn't go to waste." She looked into his bewitching   
eyes again. He titled his head and drank her in. A funny little expression   
spread across his face.   
  
"Okay." He said, and taking it from her he ate the sandwich in three bites. She   
almost giggled. "Thanks."  
  
"Thank you." She said quietly. She put out her hand. He smiled again as he took   
it. His hand was warm like the teacup. She felt warm. Shyly she let go. She   
nodded at him and turned to leave, the Admiral was returning with her tea.   
  
"Goodbye, Kathryn." She started to turn back, but the admiral caught up with   
her.   
  
"Beautiful view, isn't it? Here you go."  
  
"Thank you, sir." She accepted the teacup and looked out the window. "It is   
beautiful. I guess I sometimes forget."  
  
"We all do. I'm glad to see you doing better."  
  
"Yes, sir." She continued to stare out at the blue San Francisco sky.   
  
"I'll return you to your mother now." He steered her away from the window as   
surely as he'd steered her away from the receiving line. The throngs of people   
had dissipated and her mother and sister stood quietly talking. Kathryn rejoined   
them, silently. She was calmer, warmer, she felt at peace. The emptiness   
remained but she was not quite so alone.   
  
The long day continued until it was time to leave. Kathryn went to find the   
Admiral, and the young man she still hadn't learned the name of. She saw them   
together in a corner, the Admiral speaking with a young woman Kathryn vaguely   
recognized and the young man standing off to the side, waiting less than   
patiently. He caught sight of her and smiled, all at once Kathryn knew exactly   
who he was. He leaned over to say something to his father and started walking   
toward her.   
  
As she watched him walking Kathryn wondered why she hadn't recognized him. She   
knew the Admiral had three children; two daughters and one blond-haired,   
blue-eyed, giggle-inspiring son. He looked confident as he walked over, but when   
he got to her he went quiet and looked actually shy.   
  
"I wanted to thank you." Kathryn spoke softly, her voice still a little rough.   
"And the Admiral, if you'll pass it on. For the record, I don't know what I'd do   
if we lost your dad, either."  
  
"I'll let him know." Again he looked down shyly, an awkward silence grew. She   
looked away then turned a genuine smile on him, he responded brilliantly. "If   
you need us, just ask. We're both of us here for you."  
  
"I know. Thank you." She started to turn away but he grabbed her arm and pulled   
her back.   
  
"You don't always have to be strong." He said it quietly but with a conviction   
that scared her. What could he mean? He surprised her further by bending down   
and kissing her forehead. It was a simple, kind gesture but it was like bolt of   
lightning to her heart. The shell she'd lived in since the crash was split open   
and she began to feel. All the pain, the despair, the anger...all the fear and   
hurt...even hunger...all her trapped emotions came to the surface.   
  
Tom seemed to realize something was happening, instead of letting go, he pulled   
her into a bear hug. Kathryn was lost in his embrace, time seemed to stand   
still. When she finally looked up, her eyes bright though tears still refused to   
fall, she found Admiral Paris holding the two of them together. "Good, now I see   
some real improvement, Kathryn." He leaned in to give her a squeeze. Kathryn   
realized both her mother and her sister were with them. As Gretchen pulled her   
daughters to her, Kathryn felt Tom's hands drop away and the warmth he'd given   
her dimmed. She couldn't quite speak, her emotions still churning ever closer to   
the surface. The Admiral and Tom made their goodbyes as the three Janeways moved   
away. Kathryn felt the numbness returning and looked toward the strange young   
man who'd been able to make her feel real again, if only for a moment.   
  
He was watching her.   
  
Years later Kathryn would be unable to recall most of that day, wouldn't   
remember who was there or what it was that made her able to get through it at   
all. But she would know, deep inside her heart, that with him by her side, no   
matter what, she was safe. He was there, she was not alone.   
  
Fin. 


End file.
